The "Cheers" Book Club

We should all have a "Cheers" bar - a place where everyone knows our name - where we are accepted.

We all need - desperately need - to be accepted. This need drives so much of our life -who we hang out with, what we believe, what we do for a living. The need to be accepted drives our very sense of self. If we don't feel accepted, perhaps its because we are not worthy. Maybe there is something wrong with us.

Most of us counter this fear, this sense of worthlessness, by learning to (or at least pretending to) accept the beliefs of those around us. Sometimes learning to accept is healthy (such as Buddhist practice) - sometimes not so healthy. I will adopt my parents' goals so that they will accept me. I will accept a religious doctrine so that my church will welcome me. A professor will accept standard scientific thinking so that she herself will be accepted into the scientific community.

But what happens when you can't accept?

There have been a few points in my life where I felt so out of step with those around me that I began to truly despair. At one point, the split between what I felt was true differed so strongly from the commonly accepted that I began to question my sanity. The worst part of this was that I knew that voicing my skepticism and concerns would only drive me further from those around me.

I was in asset management at the time, and my concerns were about standard investment theory (which related to the nature of risk and returns, which is turn was based on an questionable view of the nature of reality....). Hand in hand with this non-acceptance of standard theory was my questioning of what was marketed as investment expertise. Questioning the theory of experts is roughly the same as questioning the religious doctrine of priests. It was a difficult time for me because I was constantly being measured by a standard I did not accept as valid. Yet my livelihood and my reputation depended on this measurement. [I will add by way of disclaimer that none of this related to actual investment strategy or performance. It related more to the perception of risk and return - pretty subtle point but perception is often more important than reality.]

What I needed was a friend - an outside voice - to tell me that I was OK. That I was not alone. I needed to know that there was a community out there in which I would be accepted.

I found what I needed. It was the book Fooled by Randomness by Nassim Taleb. About a chapter into this book I had a shocking revelation: "This guy is in my head! All of these rants and arguments that I have been keeping bottled up in my head are spewed out all over these pages. How could this be? This guy is crazy - just like me!"

There was so much of this book that truly was a rant - and I loved it. This guy Taleb knew his finance theory - I had read an earlier book by him called Dynamic Hedging. And here he was, someone with real professional credentials - ranting just like me.

I had no doubt that this book would be a failure. It was a ranting, poorly written book that challenged accepted concepts of risk and return in finance and in life. Who would read that?

Much to my surprise, Fooled by Randomness was a success and Taleb wrote an expanded second edition (with less ranting) and then the book The Black Swan. Taleb's success meant something special to me. Not only did I find a kindred spirit in Taleb himself, but there were a lot of other people out there who found his opinions worthwhile. These were my people! I was not alone!

So I found the acceptance I so desperately needed in a book. While I was reading this book a feeling of relief washed over me.  I was under so much stress, and while this book did not change the stress of my daily life, I could face the days a little more easily knowing that I was not alone.

All my life I have found comfort in books. I remember how meaningful the books of Hermann Hesse were to me when I was in high school (Demian, Siddhartha and The Glass Bead Game). And Ayn Rand's passionate cry of self-worth in Atlas Shrugged still echoes in me today.  If nothing else, these books (and others not mentioned) told me that I was not alone. I don't always agree with their views - but as people I respect and accept them - and I hope they would me.